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Episode 718: Emily Hahn (Best known for voicing 5-year-old Bonnie Anderson in Toy Story 3 and Toy Toons) transcript
Prologue: Cold Opening Scooter: (knocking on guest star's dressing room door 7 times) "(Guest Star's name), oh, (Guest Star's name), 27 2nds 'til curtain, Miss (Guest Star's name)." The guest star is fast asleep.......and Scooter nudges Walter in the right shoulder. Walter walks right into the dressing room....... [Walter Whistling Reveille Wake Up Call] The guest star wakes up from her slumber....... Guest Star: "Scooter, Walter, what time is it?" Scooter: "It's time for you to do the show with all of us." Guest Star: "That sounds great, Scooter, I'll be out there just as soon as I'm nice and ready to perform." The Muppet Show Theme Song (seasons 6, 7 and 8 style) Kermit: "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Emily Hahn, yaaaaaaaay!!!" Show Theme Music Playing in Background Playing Theme Music On Piano Plays 1 Note On Saxophone Female Muppet Characters: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet Characters: it's time to put on make up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: Why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: It's like some kind of torture Statler + Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues Playing Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started? Kermit + Muppet Friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The Muppet Show............ Trumpet Imitates Tarzan Shout Opening Musical # introduction Kermit: "Thank you, thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The Muppet Show, it's gonna be a real fun evening 'cause tonight's guest star is 1 of the very talented child actresses, Miss (Guest Star's Name), but right before we introduce her, we've got a real big musical # to go around." Fozzie walks over to Kermit to tell him something very important...... Fozzie: "Hey, uh, Kermit?" Kermit: "Yeah, Fozzie, what do you wanna tell me?" Fozzie: "I hate to interrupt you, but there's a swarm of wild green ducks around the entire theater backstage." Kermit: "Good grief, we don't want that to happen around here." Fozzie: "But don't worry about it, I'm sure (Guest Star's Name) will put a stop to it." Kermit: "Oh good, Fozzie, now let me finish the introduction." Kermit: "Uh........ladies and gentlemen..........here's I've Been Workin' On the Railway." Song Opening Playing In Background Fozzie: I've been workin' on the railway.......all my live long day Gonzo: I've been workin' on the railway.........just to pass my time away Rowlf: can't you hear that whistle blowin'? Scooter: rise up real early in the morn? Walter: can't you hear the woman shoutin' Mildred Huxtetter: Zoot, blow your horn...... Playing Jazzed Up Version On Saxophone Scooter: Zoot won't you blow? Zoot won't you blow? Zoot won't you blow your horn? Zoot won't you blow? Zoot won't you blow? Zoot won't you blow your horn Wayne: somebody's in the kitchen with Zoot Wanda: somebody's in the kitchen we know Mildred Huxtetter: somebody's in the kitchen with Zoot Walter: playin' in the old rock band All 8 Muppet Characters: fee, fie, fiddle-e-i-o fee, fie, fiddle-e-i-o-o-o-o, fee, fie, fiddle-e-i-o playin' in the old rock band........... Cheering And Whistling Cut to Statler and Waldorf up in their balcony............ Waldorf: "Hey, Statler, how would you and I like to work at a railroad train station somehow?" Statler: "Good idea, Waldorf, just as long as they don't sing too much about it." Statler + Waldorf: In Unison Cut to Kermit in his backstage office............. Kermit: "Hey, you guys did great back there, that was wonderful........." Robin and Sweetums show up in the office............. Robin: "Hey, Uncle Kermit, is it alright if Sweetums and I do the 2 Lost Souls musical #?" Kermit: "Of course, Robin, you guys are next to do an opening act this week." Sweetums: "Wow, thanks, Kermit, come on, Robin, to the stage we go." Robin and Sweetums go out onstage to do their musical #....... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, 2 Lost Souls." Another Song Opening [2 Lost Souls Music Playing In Background] Robin + Sweetums: We're 2 lost souls, on the highway of life Robin: we ain't even got a sister or brother '' Sweetums: ''but ain't it just great? Robin: ain't it just grand? Robin + Sweetums: we've got each other Sweetums: 2 lost ships, on a stormy sea Robin: 1 with no sails, and 1 with no rudder Sweetums: but ain't it just great? Robin: ain't it just grand? Robin + Sweetums: we've got each other Continues Playing In Background Robin + Sweetums: 2 lost souls, on the highway of life, and there is no 1 with whom we would ruther, say 'ain't it just great?' 'ain't it just grand?' we've got each other Still Plays In Background Robin + Sweetums: Wherever we go, whatever we do, as long as you've got me, and I've got you, we've got each other, we ain't fussin' 'cause we got us'n. Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony......... Statler: "You know, Waldorf, I once heard this song when John Cleese did the show." Waldorf: "What makes you say that?" Statler: "It's the same but always different." Statler + Waldorf: Wildly In Unison Again Kermit sees Robin and Sweetums walking off backstage........... Kermit: "Hey, Robin, Sweetums, you guys were terrific." Sweetums: "Thanks, Kermit......." Robin: "I was so lucky to be in that musical #." Kermit: "Anytime, guys, now what's next?" Kermit looks at the list of songs and sketch #s....... Kermit: "Pigs in Space, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." ''Pigs in Space'' Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaace!" Announcer: "Starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Miss Piggy and the ectomorphic Dr. Strangepork." Announcer: "Where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek, Dr. Strangepork came up with a new invention to destroy evil alien monsters." Captain Link Hogthrob: "Hey, Doc, what's your new invention of this week?" Dr. Strangepork: "Behold, the Ultrasonic Alien Monster Destroyer, a machine that can destroy every single alien monster on this planet." 1st Mate Piggy: "But why do you need an Ultrasonic Alien Monster Destroyer anyway?" Dr. Strangepork: "So just in case an evil alien monster shows up and begins attacking the Swine Trek, I just press this little green button here, and the alien monster is gone forever." Captain Link Hogthrob: "Speaking of which, here's 1 right now........" A giant green alien monster shows up, and everybody else on the Swine Trek begins panicking in fear, but Dr. Strangepork destroys it with the Ultrasonic Alien Monster Destroyer. Dr. Strangepork: "See? just what I told you guys, it can destroy evil alien monsters that attack the Swine Trek." Captain Link Hoghtrob: "You can say that again." Announcer: "Will 1st Mate Piggy ever take control of the weather pannel right before a great big rainstorm? does Captain Link Hogthrob have plenty of comic jokes? can Dr. Strangepork keep evil alien monsters away forever? all, some, more or none of these questions will almost definitely or not be answered in the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaace!" At the Dance the Dance Music Playing In Background Fozzie is dancing with a lavender female Whatnot....... Fozzie: "Hey, why did the duck cross the road?" Female Whatnot: "I don't know, Fozzie, why did the duck cross the road?" Fozzie: "Because the chicken took a vacation........" Fozzie + Female Whatnot: In Unison Kermit is dancing with Miss Piggy and having a good conversation with her........... Kermit: "Hey, Piggy, isn't this good relaxing dance music?" Miss Piggy: "It sure is, Kermit, my 1 true love, it sure is......" Scooter, Walter, Rowlf and Mildred Huxtetter are also dancing with everybody else........'til the sketch # ends. Veterinarian's Hospital Announcer: "And now....Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs." Dr. Bob (Rowlf): "So then I said 'Quit complaining, you've got 9 more of them, haven't you?" Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you're sometimes crazy." Nurse Piggy: "And for once, she's probably not speaking about your kinds of medical skills." Nurse Janice: "Very well then, show us the patient, Dr. Bob." Dr. Bob (Rowlf): "Here he is, Nurses........." Beauregard is the patient on the examination table......... Beauregard: "Dr. Bob, Nurse Piggy, Nurse Janice, I'm moving uncontrollaby.........what's causing me to do that?" Nurse Piggy: "I can't say just yet, Beauregard..........." Nurse Janice: "You'll just need to wait and see........." Dr. Bob (Rowlf): "Let me take 1 good look at the problem.........." Dr. Bob (Rowlf) checks Beauregard's problem........... Dr. Bob (Rowlf): "Aha, just what I suspected, you must've had too much caffeine products." Beauregard: "Oh dear, I wasn't thinking quite clearly enough." Announcer: "Will Nurse Piggy tell Dr. Bob that he's just given his patient a lot of health issues? will Nurse Janice yet learn to play music on the metal spoons? does Dr. Bob still have the candy box in which he found his medical degree? tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse Janice say....." Nurse Janice: "So, Dr. Bob, do you have some good advice for this patient?" Dr. Bob (Rowlf): "Of course, some ice cold water can make him a little less hyper." The Swedish Chef # Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork, bork, bork....... Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve'll be-a mekeeng muzerella cheese-a und meet merble-a soobmereene-a sundveeches." Swedish Chef: "Furst, get tvu soobmereene-a breed sleeces......." (He gets out 2 submarine bread slices.......) Swedish Chef: "Zeen get a culleender ooff meet merbles.......und dreeen zeem oooot." (He drains out the water carefully........) Swedish Chef: "Und lest, boot nut leest.........zee muzerella cheese-a tu poot oon it." (he puts the mozerella cheese right into a separate bowl......) Swedish Chef: "Und noo, ve-a cumbeene-a zee ingredeeents in oone-a plece-a....." (he combines the ingredients in 1 place, but some of the meat marbles in the collinder come to life, and begin tap dancing......) Swedish Chef: "Hey, stey poot in zee culleender, I'm nut dune-a veet yuoo yet." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......... Statler: "The Swedish Chef sure is good with that cooking pot and collinder......" Waldorf: "They're the best kitchen objects in town........" Statler: "Until he learns how to cook properly with them." Statler + Waldorf: Wildly In Unison Again Kermit: "Alright, here's the Great Gonzo doing target bowling.......so, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo, yaaaay!!!" The curtain rises up to reveal Gonzo and his target bowling stunt........... Gonzo: "Thank you, everybody, thank you, now watch and be amazed as I, Gonzo the Great, roll this bowling ball down the stage floor, and it hits the target bowling pins to the tune of Carmen's Toreador." Gonzo: "Hit it, guys........" The orchestra Muppet characters in the orchestra pit begin playing their music for the performance........ [Carmen's Toreador Playing] Gonzo rolls the bowling ball down the stage floor, and it hits the target bowling pins........... Gonzo: "Ta-Da!" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again............... Statler: "I had to close my eyes during that stunt........" Waldorf: "Were you terrified?" Statler: "No, I was just resting my eye lids." Statler + Waldorf: Wildly In Unison Again Sam's Editorial Speech Sam: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I, Sam the Eagle, will tell you about heavy metal music." Sam: "Heavy metal music is not a good situation, it gives people headaches, and leads to brain damage as well too, so listen to nice relaxing music, thank you." Muppet News Flash Newsman: Off Screen "Here's a Muppet News Flash........" The Newsman shows up in person..........and sits right down at his desk. Newsman: "It all began on a fun summer vacation night time, when all of a sudden, there were some disco dancing ducks with a disco dancing spell that causes everybody else to disco dance like crazy, so you better keep a sharp eye out for them, or else you might end up like everybody else as well." A disco dancing duck touches the Newsman, and he begins disco dancing as well too......... Newsman: "On 2nd thought, I kind of like disco dance music myself........" Muppet Labs Bunsen: "Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." Beaker: "Mee, mee, mo, mee, mee." Bunsen: "Well, we've got something very interesting to tell all of you people out there." Bunsen: "Are you tired of making boring pizzas in the oven? or waiting 12 hours for a pizza delivery? well, with the Flipping Pizza Popper 500, it does it all instantly, you just simply put a frozen pizza in our toaster-like box, but for this 1, we'll have Beaker put it in for us, (he turns over to Beaker.) go ahead, Beaker, put it in there." Beaker puts in the frozen pepperoni and mushroom pizza in the Flipping Pizza Popper 500....... Bunsen: "Very good......." Bunsen: "As you can see, the frozen pizza is in the Flipping Pizza Popper 500, watch and see what happens." Beaker: "Mee, mo mee......" Suddenly, the machine goes hay wire, and Beaker's head gets turned into a beaker shaped pizza head.... Beaker: And Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Oh my word, Beaker, not only that you put a frozen pizza in the Flipping Pizza Popper 500, but your head also looks like 1 as well." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee, mee." Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time we have left for today, see you next time at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." Closing Musical # introduction Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's finally guest star time, and here she is to sing Rainbow Connection with all of us, Miss (Guest Star's name), yaaaaaaaay!!!" Closing Musical #: Rainbow Connection [Kermit Playing Rainbow Connection On Banjo] On Banjo Continues Kermit: Why are there so many songs about rainbows? and what's on the other side? Fozzie: rainbows are visions but only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide Miss Piggy: so we've been told and some chose to believe it Walter: I know they're wrong wait and see Scooter: someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me Continues Playing On Banjo Guest Star: who said that every wish would be heard and answered when wished on the morning star? Robin: somebody thought of that, and some 1 believed it, look what it's done so far Rowlf: what's so amazing that keeps us star gazing? and what do we think we might see?" Rizzo: someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me Dr. Teeth, Janice, Floyd, Zoot and Animal: all of us under its spell, we know that it's probably magic Gonzo: have you been half asleep? and have you heard voices? Mildred Huxtetter: I've heard them calling my name Bean: is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors? the voice might be 1 and the same' Captain Link Hogthrob: I've heard it too many times to ignore it, it's something that I'm supposed to be Johnny: someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection Sal: the lovers, the dreamers and me All Muppet characters and Guest Star: la dee da dee da dum doo la dee da dee da dum doo...... Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony 1 last time.......... Waldorf: "Hey, Statler, you know what they used to say back in the 70s?" Statler: "No, what is it then?" Waldorf: "Music to my ears!" Statler + Waldorf: Wildly In Unison Once again Guest Star Congratulating Kermit: "Thank you everybody for watching the show tonight, and we all had a lot of fun with you guys tonight, but right before we go, let's give a warm congratulations to our very special guest star, Miss (Guest Star's name), yaaaaay!!!" Guest Star: "Wow, it's wonderful to meet you guys........." Scooter: "It's wonderful to meet you too..........." Beaker: "Mee mo, mo, mee, mee, mee, mee, mee." Bunsen: "Oh, yes, Beaker is so proud to meet you and have you with us on the show tonight." Guest Star: "Thanks, guys, I appreciate performing on the show with all of you here." Pepe comes out onstage in a state of panic and fear........ Pepe: "Excuse me, but I think if I were you guys, I'd get outta the theater, okay!" Guest Star: "Why's that, Pepe?" Pepe: "There's a tumbling tower of rainbow colored beach balls!" The rainbow colored beach balls begin tumbling and bouncing around all over the place, and everybody else including their guest star, duck their heads down to take cover. Kermit: "This is kind of dangerous, but we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show........." [The Muppet Show End Credits Theme Music Playing In Background] Playing Music On Saxophone Muppet Character Voice Performers Steve Whitmire Eric Jacobson Dave Goelz Matt Vogel David Rudman Kevin Clash Bill Barretta Alice Dinnean Vernon John Lovelady Peter Linz Statler: "Hey, Waldorf........right after this show ends........how 'bout we take a trip down to Richard Hunt Memorial Beach for our summer vacation break?" Waldorf: "Well.......how does that sound?" Statler: "It's full of sand and water everywhere..........." Waldorf: "Good point, Statler........." Statler + Waldorf: Wildly A memorial dedication tribute appears on the black television screen........ Dedicated to the memories and magic of Jim Henson (1936-1990), Richard Hunt (1951-1992), Erin Ozker (1948-1993), Jon Stone (1931-1997), Joe Raposo (1937-1989), Jeff Moss (1942-1998), Bernie Brillstein (1931-2008), Jerry Juhl (1938-2005), the great Jerry Nelson (1934-2012) and Jane Henson (1934-2013), ..........we'll all be forever grateful. Category:Transcripts Category:The Muppet Show season 7 transcripts